Conan the Librarian and Clubthumper then head for the Border's bookstore at Wall Street to see Cal Ripken Jr. at a book signing. This seems to be spontaneous rather than a "scripted" segment. They wait on line with mere mortals and kindly chat with folks who have seen the show. Ripken is shown at the table, signing autographs and talking to fans. He poses for pictures and shakes hands with Conan and Clubthumper. The duo get a call from Michelle Beadle, inviting them to do Yoga that very afternoon. I felt most cheated at this segment. I had expected to see Michelle in workout clothes, contorting herself into all sorts of flexy positions, bu-u-u-t no-o-o-o. It's just the two palookas and the Yoga instructor, Naz Sarman. Naz is cute, an exotic beauty, but when you are expecting Beadle, nothing else will suffice. Anyway, after the Yoga class, Conan and Clubthumper get a message to rendezvous with the other Road Trippers in Minnesota and then to head to Wisconsin for a "Paul Bunyan"-sized challenge. Dougy understands the reference to the hero of American folklore, but Eddie has no idea of who Paul Bunyan is. Honestly, this guy is as bright as a bag of hammers -- and he used to be a teacher. I bet he probably was/is a Physical Education teacher.
I
n Wisconsin, the two Road Trippers teams compete in a Lumberjack challenge using **gratuitous product placement** Stihl tools and accessories. Tickets for the series in Oakland and the homestand versus the Indians are up for grabs. Michelle Beadle introduces them to "Lumber-Jill" (a girl who competes in lumberjack sports) named Jenny Atkinson. Clubthumper is entirely too excited in the presence of chainsaws, spouting dialog from "Scarface" in a faux-hispanic dialect. Again, Eddie makes disparaging comments about Strawberry Blonde Brenda -- his own damn teammate! This first challenge is a "jack and jill" sawing competition. One man and woman from each team is to pair up and saw through a log using a two person push-pull type saw. Cali Grrl Shelli and "Estibador" Indio team up for the Roadies, Strawberry Blonde Brenda and Conan the Librarian pair up for the Homeys. The Homeys have some difficulty in practice, and even have the saw skip out of the groove at the beginning of the challenge. They keep their cool and rally to beat the Roadies. Next comes the axe throw, which pits Justin "Muggs" versus Clubthumper Eddie. Clubthumper struggles through the practice round, but soundly defeats his opponent in actual competition. With the Homeys up 2-0, the Roadies only chance is to take 2 of 3 in the log-rolling competition. Why this competition counts more than the others is beyond me, but they head down to the YMCA and step up on padded "logs" in the pool. Michelle Beadle is a cruel temptress, teasing us with: "I wish I brought my bathing suit!" Michelle, Michelle, Michelle... one does not need a bathing suit to go swimming! Alas, no matter how loudly I yell at my TV, she doesn't hear me. It is a family show, and it is at the "Y," so sadly, there was no skinny dipping. Instead, we get treated to the showdown between Shelli vs. Dougy. CaliGrrl manages to put Conan The Librarian in the drink first, but she falls first in both succeeding roll-offs. Muggs takes on Strawberry Blonde Brenda, but also drops two out of three. There is no need for the third pair to compete -- the Homeys complete the sweep.
Tom Hanks' character in the motion picture "A League of Their Own" famously stated: "There's no crying in baseball!" Upon the Roadies' loss in the challenge, CaliGrrl sits with her head drooped down, and then covers her head with a towel, as though she were drying her hair. Having lost the challenge, she loses an opportunity to travel home to California and visit with her family, who live within driving distance from Oakland. The girl is sobbing, and Bren goes to comfort her. All is not lost, however, as Mighty Michelle announces a Lumberjack "Cutthroat Challenge." The three members of the Roadie team are to position themselves on the log, and the last one left will win the opportunity to travel with the Homeys to California. Here is where it gets interesting. Indio and Justin pull the moral equivalent of a Sacrifice Bunt. With a nod, both of them literally taking a dive. They slip from the log, leaving Shelli to win the trip to the West Coast -- she will get to visit with her family after all! What Muggs and Estibador did certainly cost them some "games," however their sportsmanship and team spirit far outweighs that. Indio has been nicknamed Estibador, Spanish for stevedore. A stevedore is someone who loads and unloads cargo, traditionally carrying heavy weights on their shoulders. When Indio joined the URT cast, he stated that as the sole representative from the Bronx, he carried the borough on his shoulders. Not only has he carried the reputation of his community, Indio has lifted the Bronx up on high, head and shoulders above all. Bravo Estibador! Props to Justin as well, as I'm sure that those who frequent the McManus pub can proudly boast: "That's our boy!"
As the actions of the Roadies give the show a lift, Eddie manages to bring it on down. He is shown commenting about the act of kindness: "Would I do that? No!" Clubthumper makes no bones about it, there is absolutely no way he would ever consider supporting any of his teammates or fellow castmates with such charity. It's like putting up a billboard for friend and foe alike -- if ever there is an opportunity for you to come between Eddie and something that would make him happy, feel free to screw him over! If the situation were reversed, he has no scruples about doing it to you, ally or not.
Now, over to Oakland, we get a twist. Just because the Grrl gets to Cali, there is no guarantee she gets to go to the game. Case in point -- the three Homeys get to watch the Yanks lose to the A's in extra innings. Shelli is reunited with her family, however. Bro and his brood, Grandma, and Shelli's Moms meet the Homeys. Momma is wearing a very nice blue shirt with Yankees' logo and the title "Ultimate Road Trip Mom." A heartwarming moment. Momma wanted to be assured that her daughter was with good people. Momma is a bit too quick to judge, though. She said that they were all nice people. Momma, Momma, Momma... the two nicest guys were sent home to New York! And you hugged Eddie, who if left to his own devices, would have ditched your baby Shelli -- alone weeping in Wisconsin. He would happily go off to the ballgame, and not give her a second thought.
There is a bit of Californa Karma, to come. Shelli has a chance to "steal" a ticket, by winning a challenge at the Jack London Aquatic Center. The local **product placement** Segway dealership has arranged an obstacle course race. Each Tripper has a turn navigating the course on the "standing scooters" while picking up flags along the way. The Segway scooters are very balance and pressure sensitive, so it takes a good deal of coordination to "drive," pick up flags, and hold onto them. This is made more difficult by the rain and slippery grass. Conan the Librarian sets a good base time. Strawberry Blonde Brenda is a bit spastic, but also makes good time. She face-plants into the sod at the end, and can't beat Dougy's time. Eddie tries for the "slow-but-sure" method -- emphasis on the slow. Clubthumper has the slowest time of the day. CaliGrrl is motivated to win, saying she does not want Indio and Justin's sacrifice to be in vain. She takes the course like a woman possessed, winning in handily in short order. She additionally rewarded by a Yankee victory and also getting to spend some quality time with the many members of her family in the stadium. Among the neat features at the Oakland Coliseum is a "kiddie" area adjacent to the seating, where folks can take bored or unruly kids to entertain them away from folks trying to enjoy the game. I'm hoping the designers of the New Yankee Stadium have thought of stuff like this.
The rubber match versus the A's is on Jackie Robinson Day. His uniform # 42 is "unretired" for the day, as many MLB players respectfully asked the commissioner's office if they could honor the baseball pioneer by wearing his number that day. Mariano Rivera, of course, is the last active player to have the number, and Derek Jeter and Joe Torre both sport the number in tribute. Mariano then gets shelled, wasting a great effort by Andy Pettitte. Marco Scutero, on an 0-2 count, touches him for a walk-off homer with two outs in the bottom of the 9th.
As the end credits roll, we see Michelle Beadle boldly going where no one has gone before. She tries in vain to talk sense to Eddie about Paul Bunyan, and his role in American folklore. An explanation of Babe the Blue Ox only elicits an association with Babe Ruth from Clubthumper. In exasperation, Michelle tells him: "It's like something you learn in third grade!" "I wasn't paying attention!" Eddie protests. "Clearly," Miss Beadle comments.
As it stands, at the conclusion of Episode 3, Strawberry Blonde Brenda has been to the most games, a total of 9. CaliGrrl is second with 8. Estibador and Muggs tie with 6, Conan the Librarian with 5 and Eddie brings up the rear with 4. The Sly Robbie Index (SRI) identifies Brenda as the Tripper who brings the Yankees the most losses -- 5. Eddie earns special distinction because of the frequency with which he causes the Yankees to lose by his mere presence at the games -- a walloping 75%. It's probably no fluke that the one game they won in Oakland was the one where Eddie was left alone back at the hotel. By contrast, Shelli is the one you want to go on a date to the stadium with. The Yankees win more often when she is in the stands. Just someone remind her, Shelli, Shelli, Shelli... there is no crying in baseball!
/R
p.s. Major Props to Shelli's family. When they are featured on URT attending a game, the Yankees have never lost!
1 comment:
Bravo Estevador? Please you need to be giving praise to his wife, she's the one really holding things together while her husband lives out his baseball fantasies. Not only did he leave home to follow the yankees but his left his newborn son too. Talk about your priorities, clearly Indio doesn't know what the word means.
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