This week's edition found the Homey's plus CaliGrrl Shelli flying home from the Oakland series. That girl sure has a set of lungs, as she hollers: "We're Ho-ome!" It can be heard well over the din of New York City traffic, much like a foghorn above a roaring sea. Upon arrival, the Trippers are presented with their next challenge, two from each team are to go to a gym for a training session. This was a pretty stupid challenge, as there were no tickets or prizes up for grabs. The menfolk went off for apparently no other reason than a cheap product placement for Premiere Martial Arts and trainer Luis Sevilla-Levy. The trainer comments on how well-conditioned the guys are, and much time is wasted watching the guys, exercise and spar. Indio "Estibador" squares off against Dougy, a.k.a. "Conan the Librarian", "Clubthumber" Eddie takes on Justin "Muggs" -- the palooka from Brooklyn versus the Irish bartender... there's a joke in there that practically writes itself. Clubthumper does some clowning around, flopping around on the mat like a fish out of water.
Were I running the show, I would have sent the guys out on their merry way, and kept the cameras on the girls alone in the apartment. Visions of "The Mother of All Pillowfights" dancing in my head, CaliGrrl and Strawberry Blonde Brenda in as skimpy attire as the standards of basic cable will allow -- toss in a generous helping of Beadle, and then you get the idea. But the show's producers go the other way, sweaty guys working out. I guess they needed to boost the ratings for the female demographics, or something.
The Homeys get to catch the Yankees at home versus the Cleveland Indians. Game 1 features a great pitching performance by rookie Chase Wright, and Jorge Posada's 200th career homerun. Rey Sepulveda from Season 1 is in the stands and drops by to say Hello to the gang in an all-too-brief cameo. It would be nice to see more of him and the other alumni -- hopefully the producers will have the Trippers out among the "Bleacher Creatures" and visit with Vinnie somewhere down the line. Game 2 is a big 9-2 win, replete with a plug for Matt Frost and his Sports Robes. The Yankees would complete the sweep the following day with a big come-from-behind rally with 2 out in the bottom of the ninth inning, capped by a 3-run walk-off homer from A-Rod.
What happens next is nothing less than the beginning of a bitter feud. The Homeys find an envelope in the car, indicating what the next challenge will be. Eddie impulsively opens it and begins reading, never bothering to examine the directions on the outside which clearly state: Do Not Open Without All Six. Technically, this should disqualify the Homeys from the competition, as they violate the rules. Strawberry Blonde Bren and Conan tell Clubthumper to put the clue back in the envelope, but Eddie thinks that rules are for suckers. Eddie wants to read the clue anyway, but the will of his teammates prevails. Back at the apartment, they read the clue together with the Roadies. Both teams will be heading to Boston for the much-anticipated series against the rival Red Sox. They are to report to the College of the Holy Cross in Worcester Mass. to participate in crew rowing competition.
On the long drive up to New England, Strawberry Blonde Brenda and Shelli chauffeur their respective teams. Inviting Bad Karma, Dougy and Eddie talk of sweeping the Sox, before falling asleep in their seats. In the Roadie car, Indio and Justin riff on "Beantown," with Muggs making some pointed remarks such as "You know you're in Bean-town when you hear that annoying accent."
Hard to believe but 1/3 of the show goes by before we get our first glimpse of Michelle Beadle. This is a travesty! Anyway, she explains that, in order to win the tickets for the three game set in Fenway Park, the teams have to race each other across Lake Quinsigamond. They first train in a pool with Crusaders' coaches Dave Ploss and Eddie Evans, who show them the basics, or as Dave jokes "which end of the oar goes in the water." On the lake, the teams take to the water, and each are assigned a "ringer." The Homeys get Al Monte, and the Roadies get Robert Schwab, who has dressed for the occasion in a Red Sox jersey. Each team is also assigned a girl "coxswain," (man... the jokes can practically write themselves here!) Elle Carolan for the Homeys, and Diane Imperato for the Roadies. Practice is not easy for either side, the Roadies end up in the drink, capsizing into the cold water. The Homeys have trouble getting in sync as a team, only Dougy seems to be getting the hang of it. Al The Ringer cooks up an insidious plan, and wherever there is a nefarious scheme brewing you can be sure that Clubthumper Eddie is in there stirring the pot. The Homeys strongest competitor, Conan the Librarian will row with Al The Ringer, while the other two just sit there with oars above water -- this plays to Eddie and Brenda's strengths as Deadweight and Ballast, respectively. This is the moral equivalent of taking steroids and then using a corked bat. The Homeys win the crooked contest, as Dougy and Al The Ringer get a good rhythm going.
I will digress a little here, as it is a shame that the viewers view of crew rowing is put in a bad light. Certainly the Homeys coxswain should have put a stop to the skullduggery (heh-- or perhaps it should be scull-duggery?) Rowing is actually a great sport with proud traditions. My college chum Maurice rowed for Georgetown and felt honored to participate in the great camaraderie and had much respect for opponents. Also, considering that some folks might regard a few of my witticisms as bordering on the misogynistic, I'd also like to give a shout out to women's collegiate athletics, which does not get much press. In particular I'd like to tell you about a young lady from Valmiera, Latvia (the home of my ancestors, btw) named Ligita Kaviere. Ligita is a five-time Latvian champion rower and won Gold in the double scull at the World Junior Rowing Championship. She is currently a junior at the University of Southern California, where she has made the All-America team and is co-captain of the Women's Rowing team. She is a remarkable young woman and along with her 40 teammates deserves much adulation and support. OK, I'll step off the soapbox now.The Homeys antics does not go unnoticed by the Roadies. CaliGrrl starts in with congratulating the Homeys on their "teamwork." Indio berates Eddie and Brenda: "What, you didn't want to get wet?" Clubthumper Eddie defends the tactics, possibly coining the new BALCO company credo: "It's a strategy... It's not cheating!" A heated exchange ensues, where Estibador comments on what he perceives as Eddie's no-shows for the more physical challenges. Clubthumper tells Indio to "take it like a man." Estibador responds: "You talk the talk, you should walk the walk!" Clubthumper then denigrates the honor of the Bronx. Someone please tell Eddie that Mayor Bloomberg is not exactly rushing to rename the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway in Clubthumper's honor. Strawberry Blonde Brenda stands pat on the position that there were "no rules" in this challenge. Eddie then treats us to the benefit of his most profound wisdom: "You know what I learned? Life is not fair, deal with it." He takes a few more jabs at Indio, namely "I would never show up my team like that. To me that is un-sportsmanship." This coming from a guy that has talked smack about his team mates on several occasions already. Justin put things in perspective quite well, where he distanced himself from making the charge of "cheating," but instead added that the challenge was a "team event, about how well we can row -- not how well a guy from Holy Cross can row."
The lovely Michelle Beadle (is there any other kind?) deals out the tix. She also announces that the losers have a penalty -- The Chain of Shame. The Roadies are to go to the bar in Boston made famous by the TV show "Cheers." They are also handcuffed to a trio of Red Sox fans. Shelli is paired with Kim, a comely young lass who fills out a Red Sox tank top most nicely. Indio draws Bill, a college-age guy in a Red Sox sweatshirt, who wears his cap backwards. Honestly, this guy could fit right in as a part of the Ben Affleck/Matt Damon entourage. Muggs is chained to possibly the most outrageous Sox fan one has ever seen, a heavy-set scruffy guy named Mike. Mike has a big silly hat, a sox jersey opened up, revealing a big ol' beer gut with the Red Sox logo painted on. Truly a "larger-than-life" character. This irritates poor Muggs to no end. He riffs on Sox fans and his particular "partner:" "They are all obnoxious, most are fat and ugly, but this..." Despite much taunting Beer Gut Sox Guy does not rise to the bait, but gently receives the barbs, acknowledging that he is indeed fat and obnoxious. He seems a jolly guy, and would be fun to be around save for that unhealthy attachment to Red Sox Nation. Fortunatly, the Roadies torture lasts but the one night.
Bad Karma follows the Homeys, as the Yankees get swept. In the opener, they are up 6-2 in the 8th and collapse. Mariano gets hammered. The Sox wore green uniforms in honor of Red Auerbach. I'll not dwell on the rest of it. Just saying, that the Homeys' previous talk of a sweep before the series and their shameful antics in the rowing challenge brought bad juju to the Yankees.
Before leaving Massachusetts, the Trippers compete for the tickets to a two game set in Tampa versus the Devil Rays. They meet at a running track at a local high school, where they compete in a funky sort of marathon. They must complete 9 laps, a distance of 2.25 miles. There is a twist, however. For each lap they must pick up and carry a baseball, so that at the end they must carry all 9 balls with them. They cannot tuck the balls into a shirt or into pockets, they have to be carefully balanced and carried in the hands and arms. If they should drop one, they cannot pick it up -- the runners will forfeit a lap for every dropped ball. As Beadle sounds the horn, they go off. Conan the Librarian breaks into a sprint and opens up a huge lead. Brenda, who struggled with a running challenge in Episode 1 lags far behind the others. Justin and Eddie are about even. Dougy takes no chances and walks the final lap. The edit shows Shelli finishing next, as Muggs and Clubthumper match each other lap for lap. Eddie then quite literally drops the ball and incurs a penalty. This enables Justin to finish next, followed by Indio.
So its the Roadies + Conan The Librarian jetting off to Tampa, as Strawberry Blonde Brenda and Clubthumper take the long ride back to Manhattan. In an amusing segment, Eddie wants to play around with **Gratuitous Product Placement** the Everio digital video camera, but can't quite get the hang of it. Brenda actually has to pull over to show Eddie how to use a simple "point-and-shoot" camera! Back home, they are treated to another Gratuitous Product Placement, namely a pair of blue DreamSeat recliners, tastefully decorated with the interlocking NY logo. Eddie mugs it for the camera as he utters the slogan "DreamSeat recliners soften the blow when you can't make it to the game."
The updated standings are as such: Indio 6, Justin 6, Shelli 8, Brenda 14, Dougy 11, Eddie 10. I like that the YES network is now prominently showing us the tallies, as it was getting a little hard to keep track. I somehow had Brenda at 15 games, but if the YES network says 14, its 14. I have her at the two games for the home opener, one during the series vs the Baltimorons, three at Minnesota, Three in Oakland, three at home versus the Indians, and three at the disastrous Fenway series. Perhaps one of my fellow URT fans can point out the flaw in my reckoning. The Sly Robbie Index (SRI) has Strawberry Blonde Brenda at the most wins with 7 and also at the most losses 7 (possibly 8); The Yankees are a .500 club with the Roadies in attendance, and sadly that is as good as it gets. Clubthumper Eddie still the worst "date," with his bad karma percentage -- the Yankees lose 60% of the time he is in the stands.
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